Jack’s Annual Preseason (homer) Prediction Post
What’s up motherlovers? Are you as diamond-nippled about this upcoming football season as I am? I always remember being irrationally excited for the Brewers when I was young. Then I’d speak to my father who has lived more than 10 years on earth and taught me Major League Cynicism (we’re talking the Jeff D’Amico years, yes the same D’Amico whose name sounds more like the name of a Ford car dealership than an ace for a professional baseball club). Anyway, I’ve read many positive articles about the Pack and poo-pooed the negative ones to ensure the proper amount of fan-sided irrational expectation. With that said, I honestly do think the Packers will have a great year if you’ll give me a minute to explain myself.
Reason #1-Aaron Rodgers
There are two men on this earth for whom I have extreme envy. One is Justin Timberlake. Everything he does is slick, suave, and cool. And he’s funny. And he owns the rights to Jessica Biel. The second is Aaron Rodgers. After watching those “It’s Aaron” commercials, I’ve decided he’s the ultimate ambassador for Wisconsin. He’s smart, calculated, and ridiculously talented. “I wish I could be in his place” is something I say while performing “corpse pose” and simultaneously excavating cheese-flavored popcorn kernels out of myriad orifices. Last season was an indication of how great he is. The drop-off in talent between him and everything else McCarthy put out there was/is analogous to the temperament disparity between Ghandi and War Machine. In this past week’s preseason game, it looked effortless. Chicago’s healthier defense will merely be a rusty turnstile into the end zone.
Another facet to add into the Aaron Rodgers formula is 16 games with Eddie Lacy. They didn’t play together much of last season. I believe Lacy is going to have a huge year facing a soft front. Either that, or Aaron Rodgers will be throwing darts for 16 games. I’ll take either one (let me get back to you on that one after the fantasy football draft).
I can’t remember the last time the Packers played without a major contributor through a significant chunk of the season. Hell, they won the Super Bowl without Jermichael Finley and Nick Barnett, so it was definitely before 2010. Ted Thompson’s response, as is tradition, was and is to accumulate draft picks (enter baseball analogy for drafting players). The result of which has been depth. On defense, Tramon Williams and Sam Shields are quality cornerbacks. Casey Hayward, when healthy, is of similar quality. Micah Hyde was a surprise football player last year similar to Hayward–he just knows how to play the game. Davon House is a player who some blogger said would start on lesser teams (it must be true then). Clay Matthews finally has a pass rushing complement (or at least the reputation for one), and behind him is Mike Neal, one of my personal favorites for his understated production. And don’t forget about Nick Perry, a disappointing draft pick who can more or less contribute. Datone Jones, BJ Raji, and Mike Daniels start up front, but behind them is quality play from the likes of Josh Boyd (aka Fat Erik Walden) and again Neal, who will play some with this hand down per Bob McGinn of the Milwaukee Journal-Sentinel. While there may not be too many superstars there, we’ve got a star pass rusher in Matthews, a cornerback on the rise in Shields, and a safety group who can only do better than last year.
Offensively, this may be the best line Rodgers has played under. David Bakhtiari certainly looks like a better tackle than first overall pick Eric Fisher (chalk that up to a Ted Thompson gem). Bryan Bulaga is healthy again and, from reports at camp, has been solid. Josh Sitton is a pro-bowler and TJ Lang is a quality player. The biggest question mark, center JC Tretter, has passed the eye test in camp thus far. When the season starts, I’m sure he’ll go through some bumps. However, both tackles will be an improvement over last year’s tandem, which is especially important against teams like San Francisco and Seattle.
I’m squinting as I type this like when someone aims a rubber band at your face. Besides Barclay and Abbrederis, both of whom would have fallen in the depth section, the Packers have maintained their health so far this preseason. I’d love to see Randall Cobb and Jordy Nelson play a whole season together. The thought of having Clay Matthews for a full season would raise a geriatric to half mast.
So now, I’m going to predict the season. Keep in mind a few things. 1. I’m a Packers fan, so this is extremely biased. 2. If you disagree, I don’t care.
My first prediction doesn’t have to do with the schedule, per se, but with something a lot less important. Rookie WR Jeff Janis, or Jordy Jr., will have one big game. When that big game happens, women will have a new favorite Packer to irrationally and sexually obsess over. Also, pretty much all of these predictions are contingent on the health of Aaron Rodgers and/or half the defensive starters.
Packers at Seahawks – Loss: I know, I know, but Seattle is very good at home. This will be a competitive game, but a loss on the first game of the year means next to nothing by November.
Jets at Packers – Win
Packers at Lions – Win
Packers at Bears – Loss
Vikings at Packers – Win
Packers at Dolphins- Win
Panthers at Packers – Win
Packers at Saints – Loss
Bears at Packers – Win
Eagles at Packers – Win
Packers at Vikings – Win
Patriots at Packers – Loss
Falcons at Packers – Win
Packers at Bills – Win
Packers at Bucs – Win
Lions at Packers – Win
Bold denotes games I will be attending and thus the Packers will never lose
Final tally: 12-4, which I think is fair considering the deviation in there. Good teams lose to inferior teams all of the time, yet they also win games you’d never expect them to win. The Packers could conceivably get swept by Chicago or Detroit, but then I’d presume they’d also pull out a few difficult wins like New England or New Orleans.